Birds

Release

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(maybe lyrics? a bit cerebral… er… or abstract)

Click in the depths of my convoluted brain
Go the cogged wheels of turning, rolling back and in.

Bam to the bottom of my vessel of pain
Lands the pinpoint missile, bringing sharp-shooting stings.

It turns again. It burns again.
I yearn again. And learn again.

Pow in the gut with all my soft, tender bits
Goes the fist of regret, turning in as it hits.

Oof to the jaw in my beleaguered face
Lands the fist of the past, slinging mem’ry of waste.

It turns again. It burns again.
I yearn again. And learn again.

Caught in the wires
Of barb-ed thoughts,
Dragging up,
Dragging out,
Dredging pasts through the muck.

Cut it.
Break it.
Take it to the bone.
It’s time to begin again,
The seed’s unsown.

It turns again. It burns again.
I yearn again. And learn again.

New leaves sprout.
New seeds sown.

It starts again. It’s new again.
I yearn again. And learn again.

©2014 choiSOSS

Unraveling of a sweater into 3 yarns

The Past Passed

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(lyrics)

The past passed, but you still grasp.
The past passed; it’s not meant to last.

The arrogance of it all.
You’re just folding back memories in your head.
Obliviousness of your soul.
You’re just replaying it all, but instead
You should swallow your heart and forget the past,
Never looking to her, never try looking back.
It’s not fair to the other, the one you chose;
After all that was said, that one let you go.

The past passed, but you still grasp.
The elephant in the room– the monster under the bed.
The past passed; it’s not meant to last.
The one that got away– the heart’s golden thread.

So you hear her,
Her voice so clear.
Never near her,
Still you hold her dear.

The past passed, but you still grasp.
The elephant in the room– the monster under the bed.
The past passed; it’s not meant to last.
The one that got away– the heart’s woven thread.

You should swallow your heart and forget the past,
Never looking to her, never try looking back.
It’s not fair to the other, the one you chose;
After all that was said, that one let you go.

Let her go now.
It’s about time.
She let you know;
She gave all the signs.

The past passed, but you still grasp.
The past passed; it’s not meant to last.

So you hear her,
Her voice so clear.
Never near her,
Still you hold her dear.

The past passed, but you still grasp.
The past passed; it’s not meant to last.

©2014 choiSOSS

The Crush

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Pushing me down in your overbearing ways.
Striking me hard with your care.
Crushing my soul with your manipulative plays.
Pretending that you ever cared.

No wonder, I know. No fucking wonder.
No fucking wonder I found myself in that place before.
You trained me, all these years. You fucking trained me.
You fucking trained me to take it, lose grip on my own soul.

I’m pushing back; it’s all about me now.
I’m striking down all the bull.
I’m crushing the self-hate and the self-doubt.
I’m pretending I never cared.

©2014 choiSOSS

Dogwood blooms against blue sky

Selfish

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I wish.
I wish I could be selfish.
I wish I could not care.

I want.
I want to do for me first.
I want to ignore, not bear.

I can’t.
I can’t stop worrying about others.
I can’t help but care; it’s not fair.

I need.
I need to take care of me now.
I need someone else to bear.

I wish.
I wish I were more more selfish.
I wish I no longer cared.

©2014 choiSOSS

You need you

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That crush… heavy. weighted. feeling of dread.
That gush… dampness. hated. tears for the unsaid.

This feeling. I’ve felt it before.
Not quite like this.

Distance yourself.
Take a step back.
Forget.

Then when it comes back, you cannot control it.

It storms back, making inescapable puddles, drowning anything that might be good around you.

You need to control it.
You need to.

You need you back.
You need you.

©2014 choiSOSS

Rotunda ceiling at an O'Hare Terminal from below

You again

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You again?

Tossed you out with the last dregs of self-doubt.
Ground you up in the self-hatred disposal.
Threw you in with the bagged up body-shaming.
Sucked you up in the vacuum of blame.

Again, you?

Keep your flip-flopping drama mama.
Love your co-dependent delusions.
Cling to your self-indulgent psychoses.
Remove your hold on my brain.

Never you.
Never again.

©2013 choiSOSS